Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Crime Wave Hits Suburban Backyard!!!
BODY FOUND AT CONSTRUCTION SITE
KILLING OCCURRED WHILE RESCUERS AID SECOND VICTIM
The body of a chickadee was discovered early this afternoon inside a bluebird box on the back fence, just minutes after a pair of bluebirds were seen exiting the structure. David, backyard slave and blog writer, made the gruesome discovery when he went to check the nest box to satisfy his curiosity about the bluebirds' progress on their nest.
"I didn't see any activity for a while, so I assumed they had gone back to Lowes for something " he said, noting that his own construction projects routinely require multiple journeys to the nearby big-box.
According to David, suspicion over the death of a bird usually falls on Andy, Backyard King, Tyrant, and Sultan (also known as "that #%&@ cat) but in this case, the large feline appears to be innocent.
The cat's attorney used the novel defense that, at the time of the murder, Andy was in the process of attempting another unrelated killing, that of a female Towhee, a ground-feeding bird that often makes a tempting target for cats. David confirmed that at the moment the Chickadee was being done in, Andy was sauntering up the steps with the hapless Towhee clutched in his powerful jaws. (The Towhee escaped with apparently minor injuries after David startled her captor with the garden hose.)
Attorneys for the Bluebird couple would not comment on the specifics of the crime except to point out that their clients are often harassed by a band of thuggish House Sparrows, and suggested that the Sparrows, not the Bluebirds, were the most likely suspects.
Barbara Haralson, owner of Wild Birds Unlimited (where this writer works) supported the Bluebird attorney, stating that bluebirds are generally known for their "friendly association with other species." Haralson agreed that the sparrows were the more likely perpetrators.
Haralson also disputed the statement that David works at Wild Birds Unlimited. "He shows up whenever he feels like it, sits down and reads the newspaper, and maybe goes out to help a customer occasionally, especially if she's pretty and blonde, but no, I wouldn't say he "works" here."
(Editor's note: an anonymous but reliable source revealed that Haralson suffers from delusions and is in frequent communication with a therapist in the western part of the state. The source states that the two claim to be "just friends" but that Haralson is in fact getting therapy, which so far has been unsuccessful. The source further suggested that anyone married to Bill Haralson would probably need therapy.)
Officials at Leave Me Alone, I'm Digging denied charges of sensationalizing a routine nature story to boost readership of the...(ahem)...fledgling blog.